Episode 50

THE LOST COLORS

Well folks, that’s it! For now. There is no further up here, I’m sorry. To experience the whole thing, go down please. On your knees! For example. I’m pretty sure you can speak or scroll backwards like the people of Twin Peaks. Besides, there are a lot of holes everywhere. I have to plug them, at least the relevant ones.

So something is still happening here, but have some patience. Give me a break, I’m not used to fatherhood yet. Especially to homegrown children of the spirit, like my self made bastard. Soon we will celebrate our first anniversary. Then I let it go and breed another brat.

“Shut your fucking trap finally!” – “The audience! Excuse me, what did you say?” – “We want porn!” – “My goodness, what are you talking about?” – “Where is that erotic story you’ve so cocky announced?” – “A little below!” – “Why didn’t you say that in the first place?” – “Because you don’t seem to have any manners!” – “Sorry!” – “No worries! But this time we have to ride the horse upside down!” – “Applause!” – “Brat and trap – that’s a rhyme, by the way!”

Here is my story.

The day started off crazy like every day, with the fight against the machines Neither my MacBook nor my masturbator start and roar out loudly after just ten minutes. “Can you hear that noise?” – “Rejected.” – “Midjourney! I won’t stop sending you pictures of topless men.” Anyhow, it is shortly before 4:00 p.m. when my third mouse leaves us. I’m completely broke as always, so I can’t buy a new one. My father is on his bicycle and don’t answers the phone, and Irmgard, my neighbor, doesn’t open the door. But then! Mikhail calls me back. We meet in front of the Vienna Stock Exchange.

“You are sent by heaven!” – “How are you?” –  “I need some vacation.” – “What’s wrong with your mustache? It doesn’t have any style!” –  “Stop it please.“ – “Here, nice and straight. Left, right.” –  “I prefer to wear a parting like Adolf Hitler.” – “Don’t make jokes about Adolf Hitler.” – “I only make jokes about myself. Plus it’s parted on the left!”  –  “It depends on which side you are.“  – “All I care about is the big scandal.” – “To become famous?“ – “At least like Lars von Trier.” – “Better joke about Putin, he’s already threatening nuclear war!” – “Is that the one with the tattoo on his head?” – “Боже мой! You mean François Sagat. And it was Gorbachev!” –  “Where are you going?” – “I’m meeting my friend because of a new apartment.” – “Are you moving out too?“ – “Not me, the girl!” – “So you’re even more versatile than all of us.” – “Explain this to me.” –  “Sigmund is also moving out.” – “Which Sigmund, the one with the carpet beater?” – “Not this Sigmund, another one.” – “Again? You probably have a knock too!” – “Not yet, but we remain optimistic.“ –  “I have to go, my friend is waiting!” – “Thanks for the money!” – “Watch the weather, a storm is coming!” – “I see a rainbow, but it’s missing a few colors!” – “Are we still going out on Saturday?” – “Then what?” – “Connect!”

In fact, I will see Mikhail again, at the Opera Club. Andi Mik gives his birthday party there and afterwards CONNECT. Or was it the other way around? I’m just wondering if this could all happen on Sunday, the day after. In that case I arrived too late, after midnight. Something might have stopped me, for example having sex with three undead at Café Gerstner. In the meantime, I’m banging on Mario at the dance floor, we practically slipped into each other. He is also a friend of Mikhail and looks even better than any artificial intelligence can imagine. Naturally he feels at least as good from the inside. Mmmh, yummy! Do you even know what I’m talking about?

Episode 49

FUTURE IS PAST

“Where am I?” – “Safe. Don’t worry.” – “I’m still alive.” – “You should take care of yourself.” – “My head is spinning.” – “That’s what happens.” – “What from, from life?” – “It was just said that way, I don’t blame you.” – “I’d rather blame myself.” – “Oh, listen! That’s even more stupid.” – “Losing my heart, to a married man. Is that any better?” – “It was clear how this would end.” – “Not very original, I know.” – “Did you really think he wanted to leave his family for you?” – “I didn’t plan anything, it just couldn’t continue like this.” – “Things will always go on like this – for him. These are people who want to have everything without giving anything back” – “Like 80% of all people.” – “What kind of arrangement did he suggest to you?” – “Well, none at all. He just wanted to sleep over with a big dick after every party, I think.” – “Be happy. Otherwise you would be also a bird in a cage.” – “I prefer to lock up myself.” – “Hmhmhm. You got that from me.”

“Someone really believed that I was experiencing this in real time. It was Vincent, one of my most loyal fans. He wished me luck for my heartbreak with Aleks.” – “Did you see him again after that?” – “Gregor?” – “Aleks.” – “I know several at the moment. More often I see an Aleks who has the sex drive of a dog from the Balkans.” – “And Lukas?” – “I met him at a New Year’s Eve party. He’s incredibly funny, with his life like it’s in the 50s.” – “This New Year’s Eve?” – “2024?” – “No, the last one.” – “Now I’m no longer sure myself.” – “What is fantasy, what really happened, when did this take place?” – “Time doesn’t matter, you can read my story from above or from below.” – “Like a toilet paper roll.“ – “Marquis de Sade wrote on toilet paper when he was in prison.” – “You better make sure you don’t end up there.” – “At least they still fuck old school with spit.” – “It’s certainly better organized these days.” – “Honestly, I can’t stand this trend to synthetic lubricants.” – “Thought you like synthesizers.” – “Sure. But I don’t have to lick them off afterwards.” – “Lovely. Now we’ve discussed that too.”

“Yesterday I was looking for something in the basement and found a box of Ovomaltine.” – “Is it still available?” – “When I opened it I was totally surprised. It was filled to the top with mussel shells.“ – “The ones from Jesolo! My goodness.” – “That brought back such an intense flood of memories that I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. The sun, the light. The carefree attitude of a teenager.” – “The heat was unbearable.” – “You cooked Fisolen* for us every day, even though your sweat was pouring off in streams.” – “I swam a few kilometers twice a day, both directions.” – “You were a real water rat.” – “I almost miss it, those endless hours by the sea and the taste of salt water on the lips.“ – “And Irmgard! Suddenly we were too grown up for her and she put on a bra!” – “Hahaha, that goat! If she had known that all three of you become …” – “Sh-sh, Mamu. We pay attention to our language.“ – “You write the lyrics here!” – “I have to go. It was a pleasure to see you again.” – “Same here, thanks for your visit. Goodbye and Bussi!”

Episode 48

33

I am very conflicted when Lukas arrives again for the weekly party because I deeply despise him for the scandal last weekend. On the other hand, I have no right to limit him in any way in my role as a lover, so I switch my feelings to neutral mode. We want to go to F56, which was closed for a long time due to Covid. Now it is opening its doors again and the crème de la crème of the gay scene has gathered there. The F56 is officially a gay bar, but in reality it is a fuck club. I hardly know any bars like this with a dark room. As a very young man I went to the Eagles a few times, but in my early twenties the crowd was just too dirty for me and there was no PrEP and no dating apps and apart from Heaven in the U4 there was practically no place where you could meet like-minded people. Except for the men’s toilets in the subway stations and the flaps at the motorway rest stops.

To my surprise, the club is packed and two celebrities are already waving at me. “Who was that?” – “Those who wanted the censorship bar.” – “Right here at the coat rack you take off all your clothes.” – “I’ll keep the hat on.” – “Then you hang everything on top of one another hangers and they zip it into a bag.” We hand over our valuables at the bar and get drink vouchers for them. Lukas shows me around. In addition to the large room with the bar, there are two other rooms where you can sit on neon cubes . It is almost dark and cool, colored light falls indirectly on the black wall in vertical lines. All the furniture is also black or very colorful in neon colors. In the second room there are two very large mattresses to the left and right of a hallway, it is also a passage. The room is also the least frequented, but what is interesting are the many small rooms that can be accessed through sliding doors like small train cabins. There is a room with a sling, where you can fist without being disturbed, and one with a piss drain, where they are all already standing or the one with the high chair, there someone is sitting and waiting. We first duck into a small niche to pour G and Red Bull into the plastic cups we brought with us and pull a fat line.

But the most action is in the third room, where the actual party takes place. To the right of the door is a narrow, black boxing ring, where I immediately sense that someone is smelling my dick. “Hey, yours is huge too!” – “But I’m bottom!” – “Hahaha, that’s good. That’s what the vibrations that my antenna sends tell you.” I leave Lukas standing and throw myself into the ring, the cheeky badger actually starts to wrestle. “Now we’re fighting for ranking in bed?” When I was able to throw him onto the mat and furiously beat my cock in and out, I almost come, the ritual foreplay made me so horny. “Good trick, you deserve it.” The warm up lap also puts us in such a state of flux that we perform combative positions like little circus acts. The show is actually a success, the first spectators are already hanging with their hands and chins on the top edge of the mat, whistling and cheering. Lukas has disappeared. “I need a break!” – “I want a second round!” – “I’ll be right back.” Further back in the room there are small open paravents with slings and racks where fisting and whipping are mainly used.

In the first one something is done that I don’t know or can do and that Marquis de Sade wrote about. One screen away, someone is hanging alone in a sling with a sad face. “”Why so sad, Biene Maja*?“ – “I’m waiting here for a bit.” – “What are you waiting for, for the right one?” – “You seem like the right one to me, in the mood for a fist?” – “I have all erogenous zones in my dick. Is classic fucking also allowed?” – “If you’re high and still have a hard on.” – “A natural born fucker gets even harder when he’s high. You all have that in your head.” – “Oh, how beautiful.” – “I’m just a boner for the rest of the night.” – “Slow down! Take Flutsche.” – “Did it hurt?” – “You piglet.” – “That’s my saying. You’re already second, even though I’ve only been here for ten minutes.” – “Then I’m definitely your number 3!” – “Jürgen! It’s been a long time since I’ve tested your inner values.” – “Then today is your lucky day.” – “Is Andi there too? Number 4! Where are you? Wherever you are, that’s where I’ll stick too!“

So it goes on happily, I fuck one after the other and give each of the sluts a number, getting louder and louder and more and more high. I probably take too much of the stuff and the sport fucking increases the thrill to unimagined dimensions until I’m already at number 25. “Who’s my number 26?!” – “You’re completely stoned!” – “Let me be happy!” – “Here I am.” – “Who are you?” – “Number 26.” – “Number 16. You are a repeat offender. It’s bad enough that I keep making the same mistakes.” A few of the brothers gave me their cold shoulder, but during a break I attack the shy animal at the bar. It is always the pretty ones who show off. “Hey bitch, how are you? We were chatting flirtatiously before.” – “You’re just going crazy.” – “Hahahaha! I know that.” – “You have to seduce me first.” – “And where do I start?” – “Right at the bottom, where you belong.” – “There must be a catch.” – “Crawl to me on the dirty floor” – “You’re telling that to perhaps the most arrogant top in Vienna.” – “I’m also a foot model.” – “As if I hadn’t known it, Schatzi.”

*famous morally sour Japanese cartoon character from the 70s

Episode 46

A KREMS LULLABY

Episode 45

GOOD MORNING SUNSHINE

Episode 44

MAN VS MACHINE

Episode 42

KLAUS-MARIA

Episode 41

WILD STALLIONS

Episode 40

NEON COWBOY

Episode 39

BEN

Episode 38

THE DUKE OF LERCHENAU

Episode 37

WILLY

Episode 36

P. AND M.

Episode 35

BACK ON TRACK

Episode 34

LUKAS

We’ve been writing for a few weeks now when I was still with Aleks and until now I thought he had a crush on him too because Aleks once said so with a smile. “He’s lying, the rabble!” – “Not a stalker like Rainko?” – “He has something that drives everyone crazy.” – “He blogged me.” – “Typical bottom.” I’m really nervous when he comes to me for the first time because my wounds have taken a while to heal. I’m also afraid I won’t like him because he works for a controversial company, but he just looks super dashing, like Cary Grant dropped out of a screwball comedy.

He pulls out a bottle of G and we chat for a moment until I say: “Let’s skip this part.” He immediately goes quiet, even though we were just talking about the mafia and economic crime. As soon as I innocently bend over my pants to undress in the kitchen, I have his pole in my ass. “Ouch! I’m usually top.“ – “New Year, new luck.” So he fucks me for a while but at the same time he is hungry for my cock, but I don’t feel like revenge fuck because I’m more in the mood to talk.

So we pull our jockstraps back up and lie on the bed, where we smoke, jerk and chat. He explains to me that Aleks is a narcissist and has no empathy for others. He plays the game he played with me on a regular basis with other unfortunate people. When we danced in total ecstasy at the Sofiensäle last November, Lukas couldn’t watch it and left after telling Aleks to stop. How blind I was. In any case, thanks to Lukas’s initiative, I have finally put an end to my grief.

Episode 33

RIVER OF TEARS

“A new year lies ahead.” – “2023 was one of the best in a long time, I gave birth to a child.” – “It was a birth with a smoking MacBook.” – “My own wasn’t easy either.” – “But these are the best things in life. Lots of joy and pain.” – “I have dreamed of publishing a work of art my whole life. Something that is 99% Erich Schubert. Now I want to see it grow.” – “And what about love?” – “A broken heart again.” – “Please no more tears. They’re just a waste of time.” – “Sometimes they’re quite good.” – “How much water do you think falls down the Salzach every day? The tears of the whole world are gone in the blink of an eye.” – “All my love stories have been tragedies. My entire life has felt like a torrent.” – “Perhaps you will become Lake Zell. The Salzach used to flood it, but now it is fed by two regulated canals.”

“I celebrated Christmas alone with dad again. But at least my brothers called him this year.” – “Don’t look back too much, my boy.” – “You have to. I don’t want to be like the idiots who don’t know a single Alfred Hitchcock movie and just prick up their ears because they can hear the cock in the Hitch.” – “You’ve been thinking too much about your older brother.” – “I had to process it. Now I’m done.” – “He’s not very intelligent, the typical memorizer.” – “Can you please appear to him and tell him that?” – “He has a different process, I can’t mediate between two visions.” – “Damn.” – “You’ll definitely find balance with your lots of sex.” – “I also have to fuck for my brothers.” – “But you only have two brothers and not 20.” – “I’ve always been too generous.”

“Mamu?”

“Now for a moment I thought you were here. But without your soul I’m all alone.”

That’s what we all are in the end.

Happy New Year!

Episode 32

PRINCE OF DARKNESS

I’m about watching Wild at Heart when he taps me. I hesitate a little because he looks too good, but – thanks goodness! – I type back. Since we are both tired from different parties, we agree on a massage. This is always a good start for shy people. But I rinsed too quickly and on the way over the Franzensbrücke I feel myself leaking some water into my underwear. To lose the last drops I stick two fingers up my ass, so I have my hand in the back of my pants and in my asshole, just as I pass Café Menta, where people are eating in the Schanigarten.

Unfortunately, Midjourney does not render the appropriate image for reasons of child protection. But I’m pretty sure you can imagine it.

Right?

I’m early as usual, I want to sit on a bench somewhere for a moment, then it’s a good time because I walk more slowly, excitedly I write to him that I stand in front of the entrance gate, the door to his apartment is ajar, I sneak in and enter a completely black room. Black walls, black furniture, black windows, covered with silver foil. Diffuse, colored light. He sits on a black leather pedestal enthroned like a strict ruler from ancient times, his oversized scepter pokes through his fancy silk suit.

“Are you the Oracle of Delphi?” – “I´m afraid to be more into the curse of Cassandra.” – “So you foresee the future.” – “Let’s try it.” – “Why the mask?” – “We all wear one somehow.” – “My schnauzer for example?” – “No one should know.” – “Teach me.” – “It’s always good not to show everything.” – “Teasing.” – “Good boy.“ – “What do you think I’m doing on my blog all the time?” – “Am I in?” – „If it is worth it.” – “Are all of you Viennese so goschert*?” – “You know Viennese dialect!” – “My wiener is even bigger.” – “Where do you come from?” –  “Columbia.” – “You look like an escort.” – “I hear that incredibly often.” – “So, are you?” – “I like your pictures.” – “It seems you’re also an artist.” – “That could bring you something.” – “Looked into the crystal ball again?” – “I’ll give you a hint.” – “Another riddle?” – “Sent you something.” – “With AirDrop?” – “Try it.” – “A magic square.” – “It’s an app.” – „Can you explain it to me?” – “Come here, I’ll show you.”

(Just one more paragraph and we’ll finally have it!)

Episode 31

LAST CHRISTMAS

Last year I wasn’t doing so well, it was my first Christmas without my mother and without my brothers and it looked like I was going to lose my job as a graphic designer at the Courage Association. I already told you about this in the 13th episode. On top of all the existential fears, I didn’t know what to do with my feelings during Advent because Christmas was the only reason for the five of us to get together and celebrate with each other. My mother was an absolute Christmas person and I can still clearly hear her bright laugh two years ago, even though she was already very weak back then.

Since I had no idea about labor law, I called the Chamber of Law which is the authority here. My older brother René works there for ages, but unfortunately we never got along that well. He wouldn’t give me any information privately, so I was hesitant to call them, but a very friendly colleague explained to me that unpaid overtime is actually illegal. When my brother found out about my call, he yelled at my voicemail: “Don’t call us again under any circumstances, we’ll write this down and rat it out to your boss!”

Much later I found out it was just misinformation, he probably had a rough night. But then everything was fine again, in the fall my boss came back to the office and admitted that he had been smoking weed all summer. “With no sense of responsibility like a teenager? Cute.” I also shouted at three colleagues because they were acting desperately. In October he wanted to send me to work from home to save on heating costs. “Wouldn’t the company then have to contribute to my gas bill?” When I called the Chamber of Law again and happened to have my brother on the phone, he’s support was like: “Erich, I think you have much bigger problems.” And hey presto! Slams the receiver on the cradle while on duty.

I don’t believe in coincidences, because at that exact time I was together with the brother of the director, the boss of it all. We know each other from other hard nights. He liked my drawings and put me in touch with the head of the marketing department. It was love at first sight, we talked about letters like lovers, I immediately had a job in my pocket for a Christmas free card. So me and my brother would have worked for the same company, nice! But when the fronts hardened everywhere and my oh-so-social club found out about my contacts with the Chamber of Law, I was fired there and the order for the beautifully illustrated Christmas card was cancelled. A little later the brother of the director arranged to meet me very mysteriously at Café Savoy.

“Thought this Karl Lagerfeld thing is out of fashion.” – “You’d better wait and see what you’ll do to us with your gloves.” – “I have filed a complaint against my brother with the Chamber of Law.” – “What is the accusation?” – “Abuse of authority.” – “One of our lawyers summoned you.” – “That was pure fake. He was dressed up like an arrogant slob from LA Law and just informed me of my rights as an employee.” – „Yes and? It worked out.” – “I can use the screenshot of our WhatsApp communication to prove that my evil brother has plotted against me.” – “Do you want him to lose his job?” – “Of course not, he has nothing else.” –  “What is it you want?” – “Justice.” – “Oh come on. Better stick to movies like Justice League.” – “Since the colors collapsed, there is no socialist party anymore. Right?” – “That’s why our logo is purple.” –  “Ask the head of the Courage Association why he has the basement full of gold bars.” – “Not everyone can live with just air and love like you.” – “I´ll show you.” – “I want our names, mine and my brother’s, out of your story.” – “Don’t you think that’s a little petty?” – “Waiter, the bill please. You´re invited.” – “Fuck you, hypocrite.” – “Fuck yourself, starving artist.”

Episode 30

BAD GASTEIN

Maybe he needs the drama, or he’s a bit attached to me, but Aleks kept his word this time. At 06:00 a.m. we take the high speed train to Bad Gastein, a jewel and posh health resort in the state of Salzburg. Created on the steep slopes around the Gastein Arche waterfall, it is a legendary, mystical place that is famous for its healing powers. Hotels with multiple floors were built on the cliffs to save space, which is why Bad Gastein is nicknamed the skyscraper village. During the Belle Époche, the haute volee continued to gather to celebrate their decadent lifestyle. Since the guests stopped coming after the war, most of the hotels have been empty. The last time I was there with K. more than ten years ago, when we were still together. Almost every year actually, when we took the southern route back to Vienna from Villa Verdin. The listed hotels are now being renovated and revitalized, but Bad Gastein has not yet lost the charm of the ghost town.

We arrive at the thermal spa hotel at 12:00 a.m., now around lunchtime it is still light for a few hours. We put our smartphones in the locker and spend six wonderful hours in the Felsentherme. For the first time I see him walking soberly and upright and not hanging in a sling. He struts next to me in a macho bathrobe like a peacock and radiates with joy for life. “My own porn star.” – “Self porn star.” – “At least on the best way there.” – “If I become a porn star, I’ll call myself Greg Lube.” – “Why is that?” – “The name sounds so familiar.” First we splash around in the warm outdoor pool and have our backs massaged with jets of water. In the steam room we are alone except a straight couple who exude similar vibes. It suddenly turns me on to do it with him in front of or with them and I get a hard on. Aleks laughs and says I should go out because the others might get claustrophobic.

Back at the hotel we doze for a bit, it has long since become dark and it is raining heavily again. Like the weather, my mood changes when he tells me that Walter also writes to him every day. Jealousy and shame at my naive joy in having him all to myself hit me like a club. When we are back in our stylish room, he begins to prepare for the evening. It’s those fabulous first hours before, when we get each other excited and I can imagine us as a traditional couple. He stands in front of me in all his turquoise Calvins, about to clean himself up. “Then I will.” – “Time to dip in.” Oh man, how lucky I am. Roland is on Grindr, a very nice guy from the city of Salzburg, we met a few times ago.

“Is the Salzach still as green as it was back then?” – “Why shouldn’t it be?” – “Because the colors changed somehow.” The three of us fuck for a few hours, I experience Aleks as aggressive top. Probably because there is no sling in our hotel room and we bought syringes locally for his scat injections. In the end, the two of them just sit there and stare at their smartphones. “Not much going on.” – “Don’t we want to play?” – “Everyone without faces, my goodness.” – “Welcome to the Stone Age.” Before Roland leaves, we smoke two cigarettes on the balcony and I pour my heart out to him . “You have to be very relaxed and let go.” When Josef comes, the first thing he asks is whether we are a couple, which Aleks answers very emphatically in the negative: “Just fuck buddies”, which hurts me a lot. I have already created our status as lovers and passionately entangled.

Josef is a composer and has an extra long cock, which he also pushes half into me while we talk about Franz Schubert, with whom I apparently have more than just a last name in common. “He was supposedly a horny bastard like you.” – “That’s a big compliment, so I’m a modern version.” – “Do you believe in reincanation?” – “At least I can see myself in his style .” – “Rejoicing to heaven and grieving to death.” – “He wrote the best works when he was marked by death.” – “Does that mean that my days are numbered? I have a lot of output too.” Because we are so strongly connected sexually and intellectually and the drugs double just every feeling, we are swinging together on a wave that feels like a riptide. “Come on, let’s step this up. One more portion each!” – “Watch out, the hour isn’t over yet.”

But it is too late, Aleks suddenly has a seizure while I’m fucking him. He screams and thrashes wildly like an animal. “What the fuck is that?!” – “Too much G, you better pull your dick out.” I hold him tightly. “Look at me!” He punches and spits in my face. “Aargh! Stay away!” – “Schatzi!” – “Fuck off, you wimp!” – “Calm down baby.” – Uuargh! I can’t fall in love with a man!” – “Come back down!” – “Just go!” – “All right.” He screams so loudly that the guests from the next room bang on the door, but when we give him Psychopax he finally calms down and falls asleep, foaming at the mouth. I turn to Josef in desperation: “Have you ever experienced something like that? – “Haven’t you? Some people do it intentionally.” – “Thought he had it under control.” – “The point of it all is to lose it.”

“I was afraid he would die.” – “You hear that more and more often. Just last week I was at a party and someone suddenly died.” – “What did you do?” – “I stayed with him and everyone else ran away.” – “Why are they doing that?” – “I don’t know. Flirting with death, hiding. Because it’s a way out of this broken world.” He looks incredibly beautiful lying there, still with a scat boner. “That’s a bit too big for me.” I burst into tears and take more of the stuff so I can stop feeling myself. “It´s time to go” – “I’ll take care of him.” – “Thanks Josef. I’ll get in touch if I need who can really hold me tightly.” – “Erich, it’ll be okay.” – “I can’t imagine that right now.” – “Love loves hiking. The next one will definitely come.”

After half an hour, Aleks recovered when I pack my things. He sits up on the couch and looks at Grindr again. “A hot bald guy comes by. Says he knows you.” It’s already Sunday at 6 p.m. when I leave the hotel. I just want to get away from this madness, somewhere. I’m so high and confused that I have brain misfires so I almost fall down the steps to the lobby. Anger is also a feeling that increases due to the drugs. I walk through the deserted place sobbing loudly. The mountains and the picturesque houses sway above me, the sound of the river becomes a deafening noise. I have more and more small blackouts and can’t catch my body at all.

I fell into the Gastein Arche, the icy water sobered me up in one fell swoop. The current is pulling me downwards and I feel something at the bottom slashing the sole of my foot. I’m almost at the waterfall, that’s my certain death. At the last moment I grab a rock and pull myself on all fours to the bank, where I lie there wheezing and vomiting a few times before losing consciousness. When I come to again, there is a starry sky above me. My mother was born and grew up not far from there, and we went there every summer. Just the smell of the air of resinous forest and wet moss reminds me of my childhood. I’m at the edge of the world and don’t know where to go. Just don’t go back to the hotel to this toxic person who makes everyone unhappy. Suddenly I hear a familiar noise, the rattling of a Vespa. Footsteps approach and someone grabs my shoulders.

“Florian?”

Episode 29

WALTER

I met Jonas by chance during the week, he’s partying again tonight and invites me to come over. Aleks texts me in the afternoon that he is on the way home from work, but promises to get in touch soon. When I still haven’t heard from him after four hours, I say yes to Jonas, pop two blue pills and walk to Max-Winter-Platz. It’s pouring rain and a stormy southerly wind is blowing. He doesn’t have mountains of meat piling up as expected, he’s all alone with Markus, a gay soldier who is fully out in the army and has no problems there, a great role model. I fuck both of them as they pose on top of each other in the doggy double decker.

Markus is wearing a sexy little rubber harness, it really makes sense because I can grab him by the reins like a stallion. He also wears white socks with three neon pink stripes that glow in the dark. Next to join our group is Miguel, a small, wiry bottom who is so tight I feel like my cock skin is peeling off as I slide my big dick inside. Another highlight is when I piss in Jonas’s ass in the bathtub. Last up is Daniel, a prick of a man with an XXL cock, but he’s so high that he can only utter half sentences and spins around the apartment like a circle.

We draw lines, drink G and fuck on the mattress in front of the sofa as usual. On the screen we zap through porn, Jonas gets a little lost in it and gets stuck. “Come to us, here is the better porn.” When I’m high, I talk non-stop and weigh down my heartbreak on the others, everyone has a different tip. “Has he ever said he loves you too?” – “Not exactly, just that he likes me a lot.” – “Then he doesn’t love you.” -“Forget him!” – “Maybe he just needs more time to decide.” – “Either it works immediately or not at all. And if he keeps putting you up, he´s a pig.” – “He is more like a queen bee and gathers his worshipers around him.” – “Better to call him queen wasp, just without the stinger!” – “Hahahaha!” – “The Poles all have a problem with their homosexuality, it is a very Catholic country.”

Just as I’m getting in the mood to get fucked, there’s a video call from Aleks. Before that he also had a party with Rainko, Tom the First and another guy. Now he is alone and wants to see me. I say goodbye to the others, Jonas breaks up the party. Down on the street I call a cab and drive to him in Pilgramgasse. It’s relatively cool with temperatures around 9 degrees, but it has stopped raining. His apartment block is hermetically sealed, it takes me some time to get to him. But the moment he opens the door, a magical session begins again.

We spend many hours alone, taking G and together we take the last two lines of M that are left. I fuck him thoroughly, licking his beautiful feet and armpits, which taste so wonderfully male. We’re only interrupted by a guy who can’t get up out of respect for our good looks, then it takes a few hours until new material comes out. We’re out of M and drinking way too much G and when it hits, we’re rolling around on the mattress like crazy, licking each other’s sweat and kissing like idiots, laughing. Welded together into one body, one heart and one soul.

Finally we remain frozen on the mattress, gasping for air. “Why can’t it stay like this forever?” His answer is a gurgling giggle, he’s writing on his smartphone. “The many hours I spent alone with you were the best I’ve ever spent with another man.” – “For me too.” – “If we’re not a couple, then what are we?” – “Relax and trust me. We can go to the thermal spa in Bad Gastein next week, I got wellness vouchers from my company.” – “Really, all day?” – “And we can cook something the evening before.”

My goodness, did you hear that too? Nevertheless, I´m even more happy when another Thomas arrives, he has brought a gram of M with him. The three of us fuck and have fun until Walter comes. “Ah, finally we meet! You’re the legendary power bottom from third district, right?” – “I’m sorry, you’re wrong. I live somewhere else.” Aleks goes into the bedroom with him because Walter doesn’t like groups. It’s only after two hours that they come out again and join us, but from that moment on Aleks is only interested in Walter, giggling and cuddling with him all the time. It takes a lot of effort for me to get my jealousy under control. The four of us fuck somehow and I also interact with Walter by sucking his cock and stroking him, but he doesn’t reciprocate my efforts.

Thomas leaves and I have to go to the toilet to puke while Aleks and Walter play like pigeons on the sofa. I offer them to ride home, but then I end up spending the night alone on the sofa. Through the wall I can hear Aleks and Walter fucking and moaning. I’m very tough, but that just causes pure pain. Even with a double benzo I don’t fall asleep for a long time and wake up very early feeling bad and hungover. A few last crumbs of M help me get my circulation going again. When I go to the bedroom door it is quiet.

But I think I can hear his heartbeat.

Episode 28

AMONG STARS

I’m grumpy in the morning because I have to go to the AKH on an empty stomach for a PrEP check. Dr. Schönbichler, the representative of Dr. Rieger, is completely horrified by the way I consume men and pays a lot of attention to the distance between us. “Experiences with groups, is it like going on a cruise?” And whether it all takes place outdoors. High risk contacts, the word is mentioned several times. In the evening I drive to Aleks, who wants to introduce me to his friends today. I’m nervous and frothy when I get to him as he packs a whole bunch of gifts into a bag. There’s hardly any time to talk or cuddle, but in the kitchen I grab him by the scruff of the neck, pull him towards me and implore him: “We’ve known each other for six weeks now and haven’t fucked in two weeks, is that normal?” – “It’s perversely normal.” Before we drive, we pull a fat line and sit on the bus. The party is taking place in the Sofiensäle, a wonderful location. When we arrive, the large hall is almost full. P. and his husband M. are celebrating their wedding anniversary, including Linda, a classic gay mom, two other gay couples and later a drag and a transexual.

“It’s the first time I’ve seen a drag up close.” – “Well, that’s a clever introduction” – “I’m sorry ma’am, you look great. It´s Erich.” – “I’m glad to see you Eric, my name is Lorena.” – “I guessed that was your name.” – “We’re all born naked, and the rest is drag.” – “I honestly have to admit that I don’t know the difference between drag and tranny, this is my first gay party.” – “I smell big cocks.” – “I was afraid youd see dead people.” – “We’re all as good as dead.” – “Where do you come from?” – “From Hollywood.” – “Where all dreams come from. Are you a star?” – “Let’s go to my place.” – “I just came.” – “And then you’re done?” – “Some people never get enough.” – “I see that you Austrians are not used to good conditions.” – “That’s right, 25 degrees for the end of November is quite unusual.” – “Don’t you watch the news?” – “What for? I don’t want to be annoyed all the time.” But she and a young Mexican like me and praise my mustache, I tell them how it smells best. She slaps me for my rude language and curses something in Spanish.

We all go to the toilet together a few times to draw lines, Aleks drinks a lot of alcohol. The later the evening gets, the more we cuddle on the dance floor, everything is beautiful, forgiven and forgotten. The others call us lovebirds and at some point Aleks tells me how happy he is to have met me and how much he likes me. “You have changed me completely, thanks to your loving and honest nature. I feel that I can trust you and I dare to admit my feelings for you.” – “It’s better not to take on too much.” – “No, honestly.” – “Did you really say that? So I touched you and get through to you?” – “Full length.” Although I am very high and more than confused by these strong impressions, I feel that it comes from the bottom of his heart.

Lukas, one of his best friends, is also there. The two have a little argument, then Lukas disappears again. In the bar we do some mix of MMC and ecstasy and by the end we’re all so high that the room is spinning like a carousel and the 19th century lamps are streaking. We dance until dawn. “I haven’t danced in 25 years!” – “Hahaha, what really?” – “Yes! I felt so free back then too.” – “That’s all?” – “Only I can fuck faster!” – “You show-off!” – “Come on, let’s go freshen up.”

It was after 5:00 a.m. when we took a taxi to Pilgramgasse. We’re already looking for other tops on Grindr before we leave the Sofiensäle.

Episode 27

MARTIN

It’s already Thursday and there’s no concrete reunion with Aleks yet, even yesterday he didn’t want to commit. Even before that, Martin got in touch and I went with him to “Jack” when the waiting became too painful for me. He is a good listener and is pleasantly patient with my crush, as he calls it, and even lets me do my routine. Together we drive along the Ring back to my place in his convertible, past the large hotels. “Look at the Christmas lights everywhere, did I miss something?” – “Could go to Spittelberg tomorrow.” – “I still have a trauma from last year when the lights stopped being yellow and warm.” – “I’m very sorry.” – “No, it’s alright. I’ll get involved.”

We have an affair for over a year now and meet regularly. One of the few people I can arrange a date days in advance. Like Aleks, Martin is also very handsome, albeit a completely different type: the redhead twink. Or totally crazy Ulknudel, that’s more to the point. Creative and funny to the core, a category in himself. Sex combined with humor always works. Plus, we’re on the same wavelength, maybe because we’re both twins. At my place we smoke weed, fuck and eat, in that order – in every position imaginable. We even want to patent a few of them.

For example, there is the kitchen swing, where he jumps from the sideboard like a spider on my dick, while his hands remains on the surface. In this lever movement we go back and forth, swinging. Or he hangs upside down from the edge of the bed, his head on the floor. His face and underside looking up at me. I then place my cock between the wide spread ass cheeks and stab down like a guillotine. Smash! “My goodness, you should see this picture. Sheer madness. I´m  holding the tip of my dick with the small opening to your little pale pink hole. Don’t touch it yet, just hold it close. That’s so perverse.” – “Yeah, aaah!“ – “Unfortunately you can’t film something like that.” – „Hit it!” – “Can you feel the draft?” – “Oh yes, a sharp breeze over my crevasse!” – “And now …  I’m going to push … my looong tube … right up to the hilt … into your custom … anal canal. Like thaaat … “

“You haven’t contacted me for so long. Thought we both had something special.” – “Was afraid I lost you to the drugs.” – “I still have my daylight quickies without drugs, like now.” – „We´re pretty doped.“ – “It’s definitely just a phase, I’ll be back to normal soon.” – “But I don’t want you normally either.” – „Hahaha, bitch! You’ll have me under your control again soon.” – “What are you actually looking for?” – “The fulfillment of love.” – „Don´t get lost.” – “Like Theseus in the labyrinth?” – “And he’s your Ariadne?” – “Did she also always hang in the sling to be bred?” – “I think she was very spiritual.“ – “But that’s how we are.“ – “Be careful not to get lost forever there.” – “I have spun a purple thread, so I can find my way out again.” – “I think there’s even an app for that.” – “Here, his picture.” – “A very horny pig. But I think he´s more hot than beautiful.” – „A male Pamela Anderson, all lavishly endowed” – “Would you go to the movies with her?” – “Now I have the wrong image in my head.” – “He just twists your head and stalls you.”  – “Fact? My goodness!” – “He’s all about the first kick of falling in love.” – “Then he’ll lose interest, I know it.” – “I’ll let you now.” – „I don’t want to be alone anymore.” – „Take care.” – “You’re squeezing me tight, right?” – “Get in touch with me.”

When he leaves, I’m alone as always. It’s this new relationship model that we have. Full enjoyment without obligations. My thoughts go back to the same pattern, like worn gears. Until I go into a frenzy and do everything I can to numb the pain. I go to ROMEO to see if he’s online and of course he is. He’ll get his brains fucked out by as many anonymous dicks as possible. I´m close to cry! He is definitely partying without me. I have nothing in the house around to ease the pain. So I make my way to Pilgramgasse, he certainly has his medication offering to anybody. It’s raining and my hair is hanging in strands over my face. Almost midnight and the streets are deserted. Everybody else is probably saving their energy for Christmas shopping.

Episode 26

LOVE BIRDS

“Hello handsome man, how are you?” – “Hey sweetie, I’m doing great. How are you?” – “I’ve been working and now I’m on the road, thank you again for the last weekend, it was unique.” – “I hope you’ve recovered well.” – “Yes, I have I recovered well, now I’m out on my bike.” – “That’s right, it was a very cool weekend!” – “Maybe we’ll see each other this evening?” – “Sure, dinner is almost ready.” – “8 o’clock?” – “I can’t wait.” – “Are you sure everything is okay?” – “Everything’s okay, I’m looking forward to see you.” – “Okay, I thought something happened, because you’re somehow different.” – “Just a little confused, sorry. I’ll calm down again.” – “May I help you, do you need anything? I’m here for you, please don’t forget that.” – “Thanks, that’s really nice.” – “Okay, whatever you like.” – “Maybe we’ll talk about it later.” – “All right. I like you really, really much.” – “Really?” – “You’re not alone.” – “You can’t tell me anything nicer.”

When I arrive at his place, the menu is almost ready on the stove, he pushes me to the set table. “I thought I texted to you that I don’t like meat.” – “That’s not meat, that’s Krakauer*!” – “A few sausages without amuse-gueule?” – “You know where the straws are.“ After dinner we sit down in front of the huge screen and watch 4D renderings of Rihanna, the G is just starting to retract nicely and I’m beginning to fly for the first time today. We hold hands and cuddle a bit, I have his wade in my hand and rub it like Aladdin rubs his magic lamp. Then suddenly it’s 10 p.m. and he jumps up in a panic because he’s not clean yet. 

First his friend Lukas comes over and I am briefly complimented because the two of them are doing business. Before he leaves, he gives me a meaningful look. “Did you tell him about us?” – “What is about us? He’s my best friend.“ Then Flavio and a little later Wolfgang join us, both are into nipleplay. “I always wonder how many straight guys are into it too.” The three of us fuck Aleks in the sling and I fuck Flavio on the mattress and Wolfgang on the couch. It follows Simon and the whole gang. We say hello to each other, it’s like a bowling night. Last up is Ronnie, a big cock with a terrible man on it. 

Suddenly Reinko storms in angry and tries to punch me in the face. “His ass is mine!” So I’m not the only one with a crush on him. A thin, very sharp pain penetrates my heart like a burning laser beam and tears open a deep abyss within me. With the last of my strength I jump over it without falling. Instead, I pound my cock harder into his hole until it starts to hurt. “Give it to him!” the others cheer me on. I’ve overdosed and my mind is spinning, I fuck him even harder so I don’t feel the pain. 

“Do you know what the secret of love is?” – “Aaah, yes!” – “These 20 centimeters that I’m ramming into you.” – “Yeah, fuck!” – “Love is nothing. She grabs for everything and can’t hold it.” – “Fuck my cunt!” – “Her hands are like flames that can’t grasp anything.” – “Ah! Ah! Aaaahh!!” – “All thinking is nothing.” – “Pleeease!” – “And what comes out of the mouth.“ – “Aaaarrrrgh!!!” – “Is unconscious air.”

*Krakauer is a sausage made from 70% cured, desined pork and 30% sausage meat. 1% potato starch may also be added. Traditionally it is 20 centimeters long and packaged in black colored artificial guts.

Episode 25

HIGH AND HAPPY

Aleks invited me again and I’m already on my way to see him at Pilgramgasse, my heart pounding. “How’s your dick?” – “Still nothing.” – “That’s not a big surprise for a bottom.“ – „Ha-ha.“ We set up his sling, it’s the first time I’ve ever seen something like that. He pours G with Coke, but I don’t take M until the next top arrives, so I can fuck him with a safety boner for two or three hours. The first top that replaces me is another Thomas, he has a jeans fetish but can’t communicate it clearly enough for us to serve him. There’s very little else you can do with him, I’m not even allowed to suck his cock because in his mind only a submissive bottom can do that. He goes away briefly to get the charger for his cell and joins us again later.

The first Thomas from Ried im Innkreis shortens our waiting time, he gives Aleks a few loads, later he fucks me too, the first time in over a year that I’m passive. Now I can also give the first Thomas – who is actually the second – a blowjob and he fucks me in compensation, Thomas the First even squirts into me, and Alfons, Simon and Dima come too, but we send him away again because he looks completely different than in the pictures.

We line up, I have five cocks in front of me that will make it before, it’s like waiting with numbers at the authorities. So I enjoy him again and again with full pleasure and fuck him hard, pulling the noose towards me with every thrust, I’m in top shape. “I’ve never gotten as much as I do now,” I think out loud, almost shouting. For a while we’re so high and on the same wave that we do everything like we’re in a trance. “See how lucky we are? A few years ago something like this was unthinkable! Hold it and freeze the moment.” Everyone stares at me and freezes in their hip movements, but probably not in mind.

At some point the group breaks up and I prepare to go to bed, taking a hefty portion of G as a sleeping pill with my tablets. I’m already lying in bed and panicking slightly when Aleks brings me his calming drops, and I see his naked silhouette framed by the door frame. “You are so incredible” – “Oh, come on.” He lies down next to me and cuddles, the first night for weeks that I spend with a man, otherwise I need my own room like Thomas Bernhard.

So we are tightly wrapped around each other, our lips are open, playing softly, we exchange our breath and let our tongues swirl. We lie there like that for a long time until I feel him let go and move away to sleep. In fact, I doze off, after four or five hours my sleep becomes shallower and I get up a few times to drink water and eat a few chocolates that are on the table. I look at him as he lies on his back in bed with his legs apart, a pillow half over his face. I join him awake for almost an hour, he is very warm and stretches in his sleep like a sleeping lion. Before I leave I tell him even though he doesn’t hear me:

“I´m in love with you.”

Episode 24

PHILIP

Aleks isn’t hosting a sex party this week, this gives me time to take care of my other commitments, for example mating with my fuck buddies to stake out my territory. I also need this slow mode to let my body and mind calm down. Nevertheless, Aleks and I text every day like children in love, he tells me incredibly lovely things like: “I really like you”, “You are very special to me” and “I hug you very tightly.” Despite all caution, branded after severe disappointments, I get involved and flirt back, grinning like a teenager with butterflies in my stomach and all.

A hairdresser’s date with Philip came at just the right time for me. I’ve been making a pilgrimage to him for over twenty years. He’s honest, sexy, incredibly humorous and always grounds me when I’m in an unstable phase. And nobody cuts better than him. After several moves, he has his shop in seventh district, not apart from Ilse Schmid, where I always buy my drawing paper. A feel good head massage from a straight man is exactly what I need right now.

“You shine like the sun!“ – “Can you see it?” – “Either you’re high or in love.” – “Both. Alternately, simultaneously.” – “Tell me who is the lucky one.” – “His name is Aleksander, we met at a sex party.” – “Thought old school on Instagram.“ – “Do you straight people have something like that too?” – “In everybody´s dreams. Nope, fucked up swinger clubs and hookers, that’s it.” – “Imagine being in a room full of naked, willing women who are totally high and sticking their asses towards you.” – “Oooh, don’t beat me up!” – “Stop fucking my chair!” – “Damned! For the first time I regret not to be gay.” – “Can be a good guide for you.” – “What are you consuming at these parties?” – “Chems, a lot of people are smoking Tina now.” – “Crytal? Man, heroin is coming back next.” – “Thought it was a light version like MDMA.” – “Keep your hands off it, even from G.” – “How come?” – “These are knockout drops, don´t you know? Used to anesthetize not only horses.” – “That fits quite well, some stallions are so wild that they have to be sedated.”

“What other differences are there?“ – “Women are wired differently, much more sensitive. It’s not all about the cock” – “There is the myth of the giant dick in gay scene” – “And imagine: not every woman can be fucked really hard.” – “How else?” – “She always says Ouch and please not so hard! Everything hurts.” – “But that only happens with a small dick, it’s so easy to get lost there.” – ”And also just a few women can give a real good blow job.“ – “How about deep throat as a compromise?“ – “You propose to her.“ – ”Seems you don´t talk about sex as openly as we do.” – “Haha, definitely not all the time like you and your buddies.”

Nevertheless, my euphoria is curbed for now. I keep thinking about our two nights of partying, which now seem so big and powerful to me, like the huge fireworks bursts that explode in the sky, withering in beauty. We write a few times every day, but we don’t see each other during the week. Are these big feelings heightened by drugs and sex nothing more than a flash in the pan?

Episode 23

HOT TIGHTS

Aleks texts me every day, even very nicely, and I can´t believe that such a hot guy is into me. I’m with him at 6 p.m., he opens the door naked in his underwear and walks around with blue Adilettes. We clarify the financial details and I give him the money for the goodies. We take a welcome line, there is a mattress in the middle of the room. I´m naked in ten seconds, we start playing around with each other, beginning with a very tender cuddle and quickly move on to heavy petting.

I’m kind of inhibited because he’s so hot and I can’t get it up. In the kitchen he gives me an injection in my dick, but it doesn’t help. I pop two blue pills and that finally works. He wants my load and I remember that he loves being inseminated. I fuck him nice and hard while playing with his legs and feet, as soon as I do that I get very hard and finally I cum in his ass, pumping my load into him even though I’m totally on M. After that nothing works for a longer time.

He is looking for a second top on ROMEO and I play with his legs and feet all the time, taking photos and videos. We keep drawing lines and drinking G. First Thomas, a bartender from Ried im Innkreis, joins us. He does Aleks five or six times, that’s how often he fills up his tiny hole. That makes me so hot and hard, I fuck Thomas while he fucks Aleks, really brutal, at some point Andreas came over, who I also fuck, and then again Aleks and Thomas, three asses reaching up towards me.

When Thomas leaves, Aleks, Andreas and I take a break, lie on the mattress with our heads on the couch, chill out and talk. Before he leaves, Andreas fucks Aleks for another round. Then comes Dieter, a skinny guy who’s already totally spaced out. It’s hard for me to touch him and I can’t really follow what he and Aleks are doing. Aleks goes to the kitchen to give his cock another injection, but suddenly he comes back completely distraught. “The tip of the syringe broke off and is stuck under the skin in my dick!”

We try to get it out with tweezers, but fail and take a cab to the Rudolf Foundation. The doctors don’t do anything, they just say that the small piece of metal will become infected and fester on its own. We take a taxi back to his place, dress off, Aleks slips on his blue jockstrap and we continue where we left off. Then Raiko arrives and my goodness – they are such an amazing team.

He sprays Aleks with six loads and I briefly push my cock into his ass. It’s the ultimate feeling to hold Aleks’ strong feet in my hands while I fuck him, as if they were my property. At some point Peter shows up and cums in Aleks’ mouth, then there are just three of us again. I took too much G and slur like I’m drunk, shortly after Raiko left my head starts spinning and I had to puke, I can’t stop and I puke and puke.

When I come to myself, I’m sitting in the bathtub freezing and wheezing. For minutes I don’t even know where I am or what day it is and what´s the name of the hot man outside again? Eventually I feel better and make it out to the living room where Aleks looks after me with a cup of freshly brewed jasmine tea. He tells me that I slept for half an hour and that I was shaking all over the body and that it was from too much G.

We talk and talk and get closer and closer and slowly I’m feeling better again. He lies down under the blanket with me and we cuddle very tenderly. He would really like to sleep with me, but I tell him that I have to be in my own bed. He is very disappointed. It’s 8:00 p.m. when I get myself together and get dressed, I promise him that I’ll get in touch. I was with him for 26 hours. At home I puke twice more, then I take a benzo and the PrEP pill and sleep until 2 p.m. the next day.

Episode 22

ALEKSANDER

After Martin filled me up, he drives me home in his convertible. I wait there for Mike’s message when Florian invites me to a threesome with M. I’ve always dated him alone, but apparently group parties are all the rage. It´s much warmer than average, very unusual for this time of year. I ride to him on my racing bike, still in my bib shorts. He opens the door and introduces me, besides Manfred there is also Erwin, both over 60. Manfred has M, I pull a few lines and take off my clothes. At first I don’t want to touch the others and just watch. Florian actually lets Erwin fuck him even though he’s not on PrEP. I met Erwin before and know that he is HIV positive.

When Aleksander and Raiko show up, everything takes a positive turn. Aleks looks like a Michael Biehn in Terminator, lifesaver and next door buddy all in one. I take him to the bedroom where we fuck, then we carry the mattress into the living room and put it in front of the couch. Raiko fucks Aleks for most of the evening, he cums inside him four or five times while we watch and applaud. It’s unbelievable what a show they both put on. I continue to fuck Aleks in his cum filled ass, but because of M I only have a semi boner. Manfred leaves and finally Erwin, who has a very beautiful bearded face.

Manfred left us the rest of his M and we are constantly pulling lines and smoking joints. I’m so high that I mostly play with Aleks’ legs and feet. He has thighs as strong as tree trunks, calves the size of my head and the most beautiful feet I’ve ever seen. For hours I rub his legs and lick his feet, pushing my tongue into the gap next to the big toe, his legs and feet turn me on more than his filled asshole.

“Jesus, what kind of weed is this? I’m hard as a rock.” – “That’s Purple Vapor”. Raiko fucks Aleks again and again with his constantly squirting cock and pumps him full. “In another dimension you are a soap dispenser, right?” When the two leave, it is already morning. Florian gets the final round for hosts and Gabriel kisses me very tenderly, I almost forgot about him. Then we carry the mattress back to the bedroom, he rides his bike home and I take the subway, my bike disappeared.

Episode 21

THEOREMS

People often ask me why I tell this story. Just last month I gave another lecture about it, this time to a predominantly straight audience. I showed my colleagues in the video editing course best of my work as an illustrator and explained a lot of the background. We also conducted and recorded an interview, both is in the rough editing phase. After that I will finally produce my first professional porn for OnlyFans.

“Explain to us clueless heteros how does it work in your scene.“ – “It’s best to ask me anything that interests you.” – “Who is the woman and who is the man?” – “It’s getting really bad for us now, like it is for you straight people. We have top and bottom, do you even know that?” – “And how does this role game work?” – “Actually, everyone can be both. But most guys choose one direction.” – ”And what are you?” – “I’m mostly top, which is great luck. In Vienna there are almost only bottoms and very few tops or vers.” – “Why are there so many bottoms?” – „Nobody knows. Probably because the weather is so bad in Austria, or maybe because many men are simply stressed by their masculine role at work.” – “They just want to be served sometimes.” – “At least that’s what they have in mind.” – “So you live in paradise, all you have to do is harvest.” – „It’s hilarious, but very complicated. That’s why I want to share my story.“  

After a little applause, the chat continued during the break. Nobody was shocked, even though I talked uninhibitedly without warning and showed explicit content. A colleague confessed that he wanted to punch me in the face when I came out. Instead, he laughed and admired my childlike enthusiasm. “Take a look at the Museum of Military History. A costume like Emperor Franz Joseph would go well with your schnauzer.“

The better I get to know my colleagues, the more I feel like an alien. I realized that most straight people don’t separate sex and relationships as strictly as we do. They don’t even separate lust and love like most of us. There are many more facets, also between friendship and relationship. 

For many, the basic shape of the triangle works. Mother, father, child. The family model that is a clear line. The principle of multiplication, as in economics. Although we have been allowed to adopt a child since 2015, I only know a few couples who are stable enough.

Finding your individual happiness is perhaps the meaning of life. The ideal state where you are in harmony with yourself and the outside world.

I’ll tell you more about how I try to do it.

Episode 20

MARKUS

When he comes, it almost blows me away again because he’s such a wildly romantic macho. I actually wanted to help him out of his boots, for weeks I fantasized about smelling his socks. But when he walks in the door he hangs on my dick, sucking on it with full passion. “It looks like they like each other.” – “Who can resist such a divine vehicle?” – “You breathtaking face is the right frame for it.”

I help him up because I want to kiss his mouth. His beautiful lips now have my cock print, I imagine him kissing his colleagues in the office with it. To mark them all with my dick scent. I take off his shirt and lick his armpits. Intensely salty and masculine, like moss on sandalwood. As I go to unbutton his pants, something slows me down. “A little surprise.” It’s a black rubber jockstrap with a zip on the front. I carefully fish out his cock and suck it hard, he has a nice big one too. It also smells like rubber. “Mmh, so that’s what Batman’s cock tastes like.” I also enjoy just smelling the panties and inhaling the rubber cock sweat smell.

Less than five minutes later he is kneeling on the bed and shaking his ass willingly. “My goodness, what a sight. I still can’t believe that handsome guys like you are willing to stick their asses up in the air.” – “I need an anchor – slam it in, Daddy!” – “Good boy!” I spit on his hole and dip him twice , the second time I push my cock halfway in. Damn, he’s just doing it safely. “Is that fucking already?” – “Fuck it, keep going!” I continue to fuck him without a condom, in the frenzy I make his smooth hole glow. He lets out another rutting cry that hopefully the neighborhood will hear.

“Breeeed meeee aaaarrrrgh!!!”

I playfully choke him by the neck and give him a few headbutts. It won’t be long before I fill him up. When I come, I’m somewhere else for a moment. I almost said: “That felt really familiar the second time.” But then I better nail him to the bed, so he can’t even think about running away. I continue to fuck until he cums too, moving in my own juice. I feel his love muscle contracting so much that it squeezes every last drop out of my cock. A great pleasure to break such a pretty boy.

We cuddle for a while when Timecop1983’s new album Searching for Tomorrow is spinning on the record player. I also found out, that being in good music and fucking in the same rhythm makes the feeling even better.

“Man, you and your dick.” – “It’s is one of the happiest in town I guess.” – “I think you can have anyone with it.” – “I was twice recently at group parties, already done something like that?” – “Really? I always thought you are more into 1:1 dates.” – “That was heaven on earth, I slaughtered them all like calves.” – “My husband and I have threesomes sometime and take chems, but keep it small.” – “It’s unbelievable what options we have since PrEP.” – “I’m not on PrEP.” – “But most others, I think.” – “Don’t believe they’re telling you that honestly.” – “Why don’t you take it, at least the occasion-related ones?” – “I heard it’s very bad for the kidneys.” – “Nonsense. I’ve been getting them for six years as part of a study at the AKH, my blood values are like a baby.” – “Are you having withdrawal symptoms?” – “Almost none, compared to alcohol.” – “Thought you don’t drink.” – “I was once a severe alcoholic and had horrible conditions. No sleep for 3 days and shaking to the point of having an epileptic seizure.” – “How long have you been dry?” – “More than 7 years.” – “You can be very proud on that.” – “I am. Then comes PrEP, Grindr and everything is possible. Guys like you are more than a fair reward for the torments suffered.” – “You make me a hero” – “We both are. All of us should be.” – “I’m still squeezing my asshole and cherishing your man milk.” – “Since you were wearing your sexy rubber jockstrap the whole time, we can say we had sex with rubber the whole time.” – “Hahaha, you little gangster! Kiss me.”

Episode 19

JONAS

I write with a faceless profile, shower and shave to go to him, but then suddenly it’s gone. The next guy to stand me up is Marko with the beautiful face because he’s looking for two tops. This is usually the basic instinct of most bottoms: Two tops who double him best, one is none. Which is a selfmade drama, since Vienna is the city of Volldosen* and even a good top is a rarity.

So I connect him with Jonas from my first party, but Marko doesn’t like him. In short, after two hours texting I end up at Jonas’s, where I get G and M straight away. “The buffet is open.” We sit on the couch, get high and look for a bottom who is chemsfriendly and has a good ass. Jonas gets in touch with a group on Felberstrasse, the host invites us but he is so high that we wait in vain for his message with the address.

Our last hope is Mike, who is supposed to be nice and reliable. “Does he have a good butt?” – “If you like fucking peaches, you’ll like him.” – “Plump and fruity?” – “Suck my dick first.” After midnight we grab a Bolt and drive to his place on the fourth district. He is an interior designer and has an exciting apartment. It’s easy to talk to him, in contrast to Jonas, who has a completely different wavelength and is constantly on his smartphone. He has G and we bring M and alcohol, a mixture that very few people tolerate.

“What kind of stuff is this anyway?” – “What?” – “What we are drinking here.” – “Liquid Ecstasy.” – “Sure, but what is it exactly?” – “I have no idea.” – “It definitely connects us.” – “Time for the next round!”

We draw the lines from a round coffee table that has a mirror surface. Mike builds a seating area out of a folded cubes in which we both fuck him. Then we put on bathrobes and flip flops and go to a pool that is outside on the terrace. The ground and mossy wood are cold and wet, but the water has comfortable 38 degrees Celsius.

The first time I have sex in the water. Otherwise you only have the pleasant feeling of warmth on your dick after penetration and then you get the body heat. The water makes it difficult to head towards the target, but the welcome feeling of friction makes the whole thing even better. Nevertheless: The feeling of being inside someone else is unbeatable.

We go back naked where we drink more G and pull M and fuck until it gets light. For a long time we are so high that we are nothing but arms, armpits, dicks and lips. Where was my brain again? These body parts that promise fulfilled pleasure trigger you so strongly that the inconsequential rest of them are outshone and obliterated.

During the short breaks I smoke cigarettes at the window, which taste incredible. After the last Line M I do it with Mike on the sofa, I lick his underside, my cock is rock hard and glowing. He ends up falling asleep on my lap while Jonas is writing to another Jonas. One last time I do it for him on the seating area, because their individual parts are drifting apart, we move briefly into the bedroom, where we first continue to fuck and then cuddle for a chat. But I want to sleep in my bed and say goodbye.

As I stand outside on the street, it is 09:30 a.m. and the sun is shining milkily for the first time in days. I order a taxi, my eyes burn from the bright lights and I think to myself: “Fuck. Just like being a teenager in the eighties.”

*City of pussies, I have this German dialect word mix from Martin.

Episode 18

K.

Last week was a silver anniversary: I’ve been going to “Jack” for 25 years. I met K. there in 2002. Yesterday he sent me a vacation photo from Turkey.

“Beauuutiful. Where are you this time?” – “Heading towards Kelebek Vadesi, Butterfly Valley.” – “I’m writing about how we met.” – “You in the brown sweater, skin tight!” – “My goodness.” – “But first in the gym.” – “You spoke to me very rudely from behind.” – “I was completely harmless.” – “Of course all cats say that.”

I immediately had a hard on. I noticed him before, with his beautiful pussy face. He still has that. We started talking, even though I used to be much more shy.

“How often do you come here?” – “Three times per week. You?” – “Always Monday, Wednesday and Friday.” – “I saw that you came with your racing bike.” – “Yes, actually my favorite discipline. And yours?” – “I drive too – semi profi.” – “Cool! We can go for a ride together.” – “We can also just meet up.”

Boom! My first date. The next evening we met in his apartment on Lindengasse, it was March 17th. I had a bottle of cheap wine from Greissler with me. Strangely, I wasn’t that nervous because my inner voice told me that I could allow it.

The door to the terrace was open, you could already smell spring. A huge sheet of music paper by John Cage was hanging on the wall. Next time I have to ask him what that was. He studied piano and singing and you could hear it straight away. He talked and talked, he was a cheerful braggart. I just looked at him and happily enjoyed his singing face.

We were together for eight years, until the summer of 2010. Now life has driven us apart, and he’s not just far away locally. Back then we never asked ourselves: Are we a couple? We haven’t thought about what we are or where we’re going. We just loved each other and had no problem admitting it. I can still hear him singing a Franz Schubert song loudly in the shower:

Yours is my heart!
Yours is my heart!
And shall remain so forever!

Episode 17

PURPLE CURTAINS

What a groundbreaking experience. I walk through the Prater to Max-Winter-Platz, Gabriel opens the door in a neon pink jockstrap. In the kitchen he offers me G. “Half or one and a half?” – “What is usual?” Apparently this refers to the units of the pipette. “I always take one and a half.” – “Then I’d rather start with just one.” – “Are you sure?” – “Fuck it, better full blast. Life is short.” – “Cheers!” – “Hahaha! Fire, walk with me.” I meet Jonas and Tibor in the living room, the first time that I am in a foursome. Tibor has a masculine face and very beautiful hands. I fuck him briefly before he says goodbye. He has such a big dick that he almost gets stuck in my mouth. Then it’s just the three of us playing, Jonas fucks Gabriel and I lick him until he comes. We constantly take G and M and drift away while we wait for two new boys. “How are you?” – “I’m flying!”

Next comes Tom, a young stud with a lilac jockstrap and white socks, Jonas and I double him. When I give it to him really hard, he squirts on the blanket and disappears into the bathroom for what feels like an hour. I greedily lick up his sperm, just for the taste. Yummy, fresh young man juice. Then Gregor comes along, a muscular carpenter from Poland. Before he takes off his clothes, he lays down two fat lines. “The first one is for you.” – “It’s my sixth, I think.” – “I’ve never seen you before, where are you from?” – “I have something to confess – it’s my first time.” Later he jumps around in a great black and gray jockstrap and long, thick, white socks. I didn’t know anything about the new gay sock culture.

He has a hunky body and an ass like a bread box, it’s a revelation to fuck him. Half of the time the other guys sit in front of their smartphones and switch between Grindr and Instagram. Before he leaves, Gregor gives me a mysterious wink, a minute later Patrick comes by, they must have met in the staircase. Patrick is the owner of a gay sauna, we chat a bit about the scene before I screw him on the sofa.

It’s well past midnight when we run out of drugs. We end the party after 10 hours, I walk lightly home through the empty Prater, passing the Flower Wheel. I’ve never been so happy in my entire life.

Episode 16

THE TRIANGLE

I’ve been attending a video editing course since Monday, I want to see my illustrations in motion. Actually, the authorities force you to do something, and the measures are getting stricter there too. “It’s like in the military!” – “We’re worse!“ But where the horse rides you, that’s up to you – if you know the direction. There is even a department for artists here in Vienna. From the beginning of January until now, I was free as a butterfly and lived 99% for my art project. But now my life needs structure. If you are your only critic, you are your own biggest enemy.

Now I’m on my way to Ilse Schmied in Neubaugasse to buy some textured drawing paper. Thank goodness her shop still exists despite all this turbo globalization. I’ve shopped at Ms. Smith’s all my life, even though she only opens the door sporadically. But she has the best things that you can’t get anywhere else. Your contacts go back to the 1950s, where else can you find people like that? I got all of my purple drawing folders from her, they are lovingly handcrafted.

It’s a late summer afternoon with lots of sun that sets glittering. It gets dark quickly, even though it’s only 5 p.m. During the purple hour, Mariahilfer Straße resembles a promenade and the nightlife has already begun. Flashing advertising signs appear everywhere, endless loops of noisy slogans emanate from shops and bars. The Schani Gardens are populated by screaming young people standing at the slot machines. They call it retro, but it’s the same rip off as everywhere else.

I walk along Esterházygasse, that’s where Michail lives. He is also a graphic designer and illustrator, as well as a kind of replacement for my twin brother. When I arrive at his place, the door is wide open and the entire staircase is blaring with Russian techno. I’m two minutes early. “I’m terrible.” He paces behind the computer like crazy. “Two friends fled from Moscow!” – “Why is that?” – “War!” – “In Russia?” – “They are fleeing because they suspect it. It’s not official yet.” – “I should watch the news more often and not always my selfmade porn.” There are some new things in his apartment, we last saw each other at my lecture at the end of March.

“Wow. It changes.” – “Depends on the mood.” – “Can it also show dirty thoughts?” – “What are you thinking about?” – “Apparently the pattern of my mother’s dress, at least part of it.” – “Anything else?” – “Please don’t make me think, I lost my brain juice in yesterday’s pussy.” – “Make an effort.” – “A triangle.” – “Look! It changes again.” – “Another triangle. Just upside down.” – “It’s a mystery.” – “Perhaps the triangle as a musical instrument. For Andrei Tarkovsky it heralds a dream.” – “Do you think you are dreaming?” – “I think all life is just a dream, what do you think?” – “You think too much.” – “Is that the point? – “Come on, you’re exhausted. Lay down.”

He throws me on the bed and kisses me on the mouth. I’m in a giver mood because he always is. Therefore, I devote myself long and patiently to his dick. I’m also really cockhungry because I always have to be active. We lie there in the 69 position and suck each other, finally I sit on top of him and fuck his mouth. I put his cock between my bumcheeks and play cowboy again, only upside down. This turns me on so much that I immediately cum in his mouth. He swallows every drop and comes right after me. “It’s always so beautiful with you.”

Then we just lie there like two puppets without strings. The music from the speakers stops. The roar of the crowd has become distant, at some point you get used to it. Down on the street, a moped rattles past, strangely disembodied. Michail once said that he sometimes heard a cyclist singing when he was working in the middle of the night with the window open. Between two and three in the morning he drives by downstairs and sings opera arias.

His hand on my back stops moving and he falls asleep. I drift away either and fall into holes of fainting, like small abysses. This wakes me up for a moment, but then I realize that I’m safe. The radiator hums quietly until I completely lose the sound. The walls expand in the darkness, growing together into an infinite space before dissolving like gas.

Silence.

Then nothing.

Episode 15

DANIEL

We first fuck in the bedroom, put on our hoodies, and move to the kitchen, where I continue to fuck him standing by the open window. In the Urania Observatory vis à vis the better people sit and enjoy their bulky dinner. We watch them, but they can’t see us because we turned off the light. Daniel is one of the closest fuck buddies and while he’s not exactly a king in bed, for practical reasons he’s the one I see the most.

Rafael joins today, Daniel has already announced him several times. He’s got coke, I only know that from hearsay. „Are you sure it’s not heroin?” We do a line in the living room and move back to the kitchen, where we pull more and play around with each other. „Fuck, that stuff kicks ass“ – „Cool.“ – „What does Christina Hendricks say in Mad Men when she first tries this?” – „What?” – „Hello good news.“

My head is very hot and so is my blood. Rafael is young and has a lot of positive vibes, but that’s the only way he scores points. He can’t get it up and later in the bedroom he says he’s not clean either. „So you have the function of a messenger, right?” – „Why?” – „You are the second archangel I meet.“ Daniel has trouble keeping up with my pace and has to pass. But I’m high enough to suck his small dick until he cums.

He throws us out after he’s done. As we get dressed, Rafael whispers in my ear: „I’ve got some stuff in store for us.” It started raining while we were walking through the Karmelitermarkt. I’m rambling even though the kick is wearing off, but Rafael promised me a joint. When he rolls it, I’m sitting half naked on his sofa landscape, jerking off to some bad 90s porn. We smoke it together as he kneels in front of me, sucking my dick. I close my eyes, let everything go and start to take off.

„Aaah, that warms your heart.” – „Mhmm.” – „Aah. Aah, yes. Ahh. Do you like cock?“ – „Mhmm.” – „I’m just imagining that’s what a straight guy says to his girlfriend. Do you think that happens?” – „What?“ – „A straight guy saying to his girlfriend: ´Do you like cock’?” – „Hmyeah, probably.“ – „That’s indirectly calling her a slut, isn’t it?“ – „Mhmm.“ – „Aah! Aa. Aaah. Haaaah. Aaaaah. Ah.” – „Mmmm.“ – „Ah. yeah.” – „Mmmm.“ – „Is it okay if only you spoil me tonight?“ – „Yes, can I sit on it then?” – „You like to suck. Or do you prefer to fuck?” – „Both. Equally.“ – „Hahaha! You’re just adorable.” – „Mhmm.“ – „Haah. Aaaahh. Super. Huaar, a glans attack! Brilliant. Now you’re going to tongue the tip of my opening, you piglet.” – „What?“ – „Do you like that?” – „Mhmm.” – „You can sit on him later if you like.” – „Mmmhmmm.“

My loins contract for a long time, what feels like minutes. Then I unload in a powerful orgasm in his mouth, pushing his head to my hips. Tschuuummm! When I go home it’s still raining. Times of more darkness are upon us. I walk past the Karmelitermarkt again in direction of Praterstern, always very close to the houses. Like a stray dog that doesn’t want to get wet.

Episode 14

MARKUS

We wrote earlier that I would dip him first and then he would lick my cock, before I put a rubber on.

Big guy, tatooed and muscular. He takes off his leather vest and military boots, my first glance falls on his large, strong feet. We kiss very hard, I have to stand on tiptoe. After deepthroating my dick he goes doggy on the bed and spreads his cheeks. Hairy, massive legs and a very muscular butt on wich I have quickly my mustache on.

Nice appetizer, such a smooth hole in a muscle mountain.

I roll my tongue over it first and work my way in, which he approves with a long, throaty sigh. „Huaaaaargh …“ I learned this technique from Martin yesterday. Kiss the tender forecourt of paradise devoutly like a mouth, gently massage his asshole lips with your lips. Then I put on my last condom and stick my cock up his ass –  slowly, but with full glory. 

Again he cheers deep and manly under me.

I fuck him nice and hard while grabbing his sweaty neck with my hands. That’s how I hold him in position like a buffer stop. “It’s crazy to fuck in this monkey heat.” – „Oh yeah, we are perverts!“ We sweat so much that it’s just a slide. After cumming inside him I fuck even faster until he cums, too.

Then we lie there in spoon position, flying on the pink cloud of postcoital kicks.

He’s been in a relationship for 10 years and only cheats on him every few months. We talk a lot about sports, PrEP and Vienna´s Höhenstrasse. He always makes the rounds there at night with his Harley. “I ride there too, but only with sun energy.” – „Solar battery?“ – “Racing bike.” As he leaves, I watch him closely lacing his strong feet back into his boots.

A real stud, definitely in the top 10 of my fuck buddy charts.

Episode 13

ETERNAL FLAME

On Tuesday was the Conception of Mary, which is a Catholic holiday. My first degree ex boyfriend is spending a few days in his idyllic hometown Neumarkt in Upper Austria, there is a fun Kirtag every year. To be precise in the neighboring village of Kallham. They have everything you wish for: A little Prater with an Autodrome and Tagada, a market place and huge beer tents where you can enjoy Steckerlfisch*. I accompanied him there almost everytime for over eight years. Last year I was there alone to visit his relatives. Thank goodness we all stayed friends and see each other regularly.

2022 was the year my mother died, at that time I was still working as a graphic designer for a non profit association. It was a long way from getting over my mother’s death, but I was so busy with my work that I just didn’t have time to process it all. I worked fifteen hours a day and even had to take care of my colleagues’ private matters because my superiors were invisible. All this together totally confused me and it was almost impossible to focus on the spaces between the letters in InDesign.

In this phase exactly one year ago I received an invitation to Kallhamer Kirtag which saved my life. The way there was thorny, it was in the middle of Corona crises. At that time, masks were still compulsory on public transport. The trains were overfull, came too late or not at all, it was total chaos. With the last wingbeats I made it to Neumarkt, where I immediately fell into the wild bathing pond of Georg and Karin, my ex boyfriend´s brother and sister in law.

Then something appeared to me that I can hardly describe. A bright light between the wild reeds maybe, some kind of presence. Something unearthly perhaps, felt more than seen. It was warm, beautiful, comforting. Was it an apparition of Mary, suitable for the holiday? Or my mother herself, secretly watching me from heaven and protecting in times of greatest need? The bright light streamed through my body and warmed my heart from within. “You overcame that obstacle too, darling.” Sometimes a ray of light is all that gives you support.

She came back last night after an unexpected thunderstorm.

“Oh! Don’t be afraid, my beloved son.” – „Where did you get those beautiful white lilies from?” – „Your friend brought me these.“ – „They match your eyes and the pattern of your dress perfectly.“ – „Are you travelling again?“ – „Why do you always know everything?“ – „Another odyssey?“ – „It’s more of a transformation I think.“ – „Be careful my child. Evil lurks everywhere.“ – „You´re acting overprotective again.“ – „Satan often hides behind the beautiful.“ – „What are you trying to tell me?“ – „All that glitters is not gold.” – „I’m more into silver anyway.” – „Hmhmhm, you inherited that from me, mon cheri.“ – „Je t’en prie Mamu. I’m an adult, I can take care of myself.“ – „Are you sure about that?“ – „What is surety without you, my love?“

*These are stabed and grilled trouts or charts, a culinaric specialiy that I got to know from Upper Austria. To do this, the fresh fishes are torn out of the emerald lake alive with iron hooks in the gills, impaled while still twitching and shock roasted over open fire. Wrapped in paper and served with a slice of lemon, the whole thing tastes wonderful with the third beer at lunchtime.

Episode 12

GABRIEL

“Where’s the lighter?” – „There were five left yesterday.” – „Haha! First thing the chicks steal.” – „Thought you are mostly passive, too?“ – „Except for those present, I hope.” – „Here baby.” – „Thanks.” – „Do you know why I have to give you light?” – „You don’t have to.” – „Because today you are the illustrious duchess of the house.“  – „It’s like in a French movie!” – „What’s better than a cigarette after sex?“ – „Sex after the cigarette after sex maybe?” – „Let’s see if I can whip him up again.” – „Mmh … the tobacco fills my entire lungs and penetrates every tip of their ramifications.” – „Part of it stays there forever.” – „I know!” – „While we’re at it: What’s your favorite horror movie?” – “I absolutely love Stranger Things on Netflix. You?” – „I love a few.“ – „Which ones, for example?“ – „Evil Dead, The Exorcist, Antichrist.” – „What’s that about?” – „A modern witch.” – „As in The Witch?” – „More intense, with even better forest pictures. Also in slow motion! At least as beautiful as by Andrei Tarkovsky.” – „Didn’t she accidentally bang a log in her husband’s balls during sex?” – „Yes, delicious! Lars von Trier invented the genital splatter genre.” – „I´ll never ever do that to you, I swear!” – „It would be too bad for both of us, wouldn’t it?” – „Fuck, the bottle of poppers opened.” – „I like the smell. Some come as soon as they smell it.” – „What else are you into?” – „On tabacco, weed, shrooms – anything vegetable.” – „Ever tried chems?“  – „No, but I get asked a lot.” – „Try it. That doubles the intensity.” – „Don’t go for groups, like to keep track of things.” – „With your material and your endurance, you mow them all down!“ – „Maybe you are right.” – „What is your personal record?” – „All in all or in one day?” – „Let’s say within 24 hours.“ – „Six. Or eight maybe.“ – “At the same time?” – „Behind each other! But there was a threesome too. You know, I have to write and draw everything down afterwards.” – „That can be increased.” – „Maybe that’s why I respect it.” – „Why?” – „Because I know myself.” – „You’ll get to know yourself better then.“ – „Everybody has two sides, a darker and a lighter one. I’m scared that these two will grow into a monster” – „Can’t quite follow you.” – „You don’t have to, you’re pretty enough.“ – „Hey, I have to go to school!” – „We still have to turn your trousers inside out.” – „I like that you’re such a gentleman.” – „I got that from Thomas Schäfer-Elmayer.” – „Really?“ – „Yes, I illustrated funny culinary stories with him. Great guy, taught me a lot. I think good manners should be part of the classroom.” – „Better than religion, definitely.” – „That’s what an archangel is saying!“ – „You can have one of my cigarettes.” – „Keep them, you’re my guest.” – „Charmeur!“ – „Madame, she’s checking her phone too much.” – „Another addiction!” – „See you soon, I’m looking forward to your inner values.” – „The same wavelength?” – „Sort of.” – „Ciao.“ – „Adieu!”

Episode 11

FLORIAN

Another magical summer day.

I’m off today and I also urgently need a break from my drawings. Again it is Florian who gets me out of my prison. At first it wasn’t clear whether we would have sex before we go to Toter Grund, afterwards or there.

Which would be more logical, but Florian texts me that he’ll jump up briefly before we leave. And so, 12 hours after my date with Daniel, I find myself in the arms of the next man.

Before we leave, he buys a cup of nectarines at the Greissler, which he washes at the old fountain in front of the Prater Bridge. The sound of water and the shadows of leaves flickering across his tight pants – a really nice summer picture. 

As we cross the Danube, all bright blue sky with some fair weather clouds, like in my last artwork I started yesterday. It is a return gift for Udo Titz, who photographed me a few months ago. He was with me earlier and encouraged me a lot.

When we arrive Steinspornbrücke, I almost collapse because I’m physically at the limit. “I feel wonderfully used,” I say more to myself than to Florian. But at least he has to laugh a little bit for this shameless statement.

We go into the water three times and since the wind changes and the sun disappears behind a cloud several times, it is pleasantly cold. “The little trout are back.“ Also the ducks, which you can almost pet. Florian titled them Roast Ducks.

Left and right to us are his flight attendant colleagues, as well as a small group of young, well grown sisters. We are talking about everything and nothing, but most of the time I just lie there and let the sun charge my batteries.

When we drive home and Highlander by Marvel83´ sounds from his Vespa, I enjoy the shimmering images and the music, although I couldn’t switch off completely.

Episode 10

CHANGE OF HEARTS

This time I want to tell you more about the the colors in my world, the colors of Purple Vapor. Here everything is cool and muted, there are only gradations between blue and purple. There are also pink and turquoise tones that arise when mixed with white.

You can also call it magenta or petrol, whatever you prefer. Like the saleswomen in the noble boutiques on the south coast of France. They are outraged when you call their cashmere sweaters light blue. In their patriotism its of course the Côte Azur Blue.

Purple is the non plus ultra here, the highest of feelings.

So there is no pure red and yellow in this world, only in coquettish hints. Coquettish like the bottoms that shake their beautiful bums like the divas in the opera, cooling down their luscious décolleté with quivering fans.

However, red is the color that the eye perceives most quickly. It stands for love, lust and pain, that´s why the signal effect. Yellow is light, the sun, and light is the first thing almost every baby notices after birth. This leads to such a high level of happiness that some will later search for it all their lives.

The red heart is send out inflationary on social media, sometimes you’re literally showered with it. Like with buckets full of pig’s blood. Sometimes they send 10 vulgar red hearts in one message and these hypocrites turn their backs on you even if you have a little flu.

I made a no less fatal mistake with Alvaro at beginning of July. My friends and I jokingly call him my Private Dancer. It was the best sex of my life so far and also the emotional connection with him was at 99%. We spent two wonderful nights together, everything was just right. Our bodies and souls were as united as two dragonflies drifting up in the air to mate.

After we came twice at the same time, I whispered in his ear: “That was the best time of my life, you are a very special person, I have never felt such strong feelings as I have for you, please don’t be scared, just let us repeat this in any form, and if it is for a drink at Café Menta, I’m waiting patiently, but with open arms, I’ll just say it openly now: I’ve a crush on you.”

A week later he texted me, it was July 8th. This time no longer on WhatsApp, but on Grindr again. We both happened to be online. He’s looking forward to our next date and will definitely get in touch when he has another whole night free. Overjoyed, I sent him my purple heart.

He took the hint and sent me back an orange heart instead of a red one. But orange is a mixture of yellow and red, these colors do not exist in my world.

So it wouldn’t have fit anyway.

Episode 9

ELECTRIC RAY

He comes straight from Venice and was on the beach yesterday, which explains his beautiful color. Very athletic type with well defined muscles. So none of those protein powder junkies from „Jack“. We agreed in the chat that I would massage him. “Get your oil and massage hands ready lol.”

It has been extremely hot for weeks, almost always above 30 degrees. I love summer and the heat, also you don´t have to take off much. No sex for three days and I’m so horny I almost burst when he rings downstairs.

We cuddle and giggle a bit in the front room, but I can’t manage to look into his eyes. Then he lies down naked on the bed and gives me a very serious look that immediately drops the room temperature by ten degrees. “Are you that shy?”

I jump on his back and am about to ride him, but suddenly he flinches like he’s been struck by lightning. “Slowly!” he moans, “Softly!” He explains to me that he doesn’t have that much experience and has only been passive twice. When a man rejected his affections years ago, he was married to a woman.

While Tonight from Timecop1983 spins on the turntable, I slowly massage his shoulders and back. Until I finally get to that nice spot with the two little dimples left and right where his back meets the bubble butt. Not everyone has that, I’m a lover of such specialties.

He gets the creeps again when I touch his bum with the tip of my glans, almost unintentionally. Incredibly, he starts vibrating all over his body like an electric ray. As if he is under high voltage. It finally stops when I get really bored with his shoulders. 

I carefully position my cock on his tiny hole and let it slide in very slowly. Is it finally happening? And Sapperlot! All of a sudden he’s mine. Of course, after self control in this dimension, I can’t hold out for long.

But I stay inside and fall asleep on his back, like a cowboy on his stallion. The next morning he apologizes for falling asleep during the massage. “The trip from Italy back to Vienna was hell, I drove all day. But next time I want the full program.” –

“Sure thing!”

Episode 8

TRAIN OF THOUGHT

We all run around like crazy, rushing from A to B and often don’t even have enough time to make a decision. I’m going to bed way too late again and can’t sleep because I finally have time to think. In the dark all my little fears and worries grow into huge demons and strangle me like a frightened child. I keep thinking about Ben, we write on ROMEO almost every other day.

“I’m jerking off and thinking about you a lot right now because you’re so sexy. I’d like to see you again very soon.” – “Save your Tschuri* for me please.“

“I’d love to see you again.” – “Would you like to make something up, or are you more spontaneous?” – “Rather spontaneous, actually.” – “Adventurer.” – “You know me.” – “Not really, but we can work on it.” – “Right.”

“Little handsome man, how’s it going?” – „Tall handsome man, all good. Sit at home and draw on a children’s book. You?” – “I work. Had an event yesterday that took a little longer. Will you draw me?” – “I can portray you, if you like.” – “I don’t think I’m good at being portrayed.” – “Let’s test it.” – “Absolutely. I’d really like to see you, but I’m very busy at the moment. Not so cool.” – “Don’t stress, I’m patient. There aren’t as many guys like you such as sand on the beach .” – “It’s mutual. I’d like to give you my Tschuri.” – “Shall we swap?” – “You taste as good as honey and milk.” – “You’re more the sandalwood type” – “I had an event yesterday and would have you preferably picked up with a car, made out with you and then have you taken home again.” – “Like an escort? That’s very flattering. I like being courted.” – “Yes, my driver would have waited the whole dinner. You deserve to be courted.” – “Oh, I’m also satisfied with straightforward sex.” – “I’m not just talking about sex now.” – “You mean that in addition to our Tschuri, we can also fuck with our heads?“ – “For example. You, your Tschuri and your brain juice.” – “Deal. I’ll make you a special price.”

Do you know what is the best recipe against too much feeling? Exactly, sex. Because other mothers have beautiful sons, too. This week I’ve been with Timo, whose Dalmatian has been desperately trying to interact, David, who has the prettiest marzipan hole I’ve ever caught on video, one of the many Martins whose sex has been as interchangeable as his name and of course with Florian again.

*By the way, Tschuri is the Viennese word for cum. So don’t be surprised if I hand you a Tschurifetzen after you screwed everything up.

Episode 7

BEN

I meet him for the second time at Top cinema. 

We’re checking out Peter Jackson’s new movie, his interpretation on Hugo von Hofmannsthal’s The Difficult. Finally again in the tradition of his fun splatter Braindead, which is still cult. All people were screaming and laughing as Karl von Bühl smashes the intriguer bourgeois to blood and slime with a huge jackhammer. 

Like always, only the lovers survive.

Afterwards we go to the bar, he invites me to a soda lemon. It’s my first coffee date in years. A coffee date after a sex date. The logical consequence after so many failed coffee dates. So first check if the sex is good, then you can continue to know each other better. 

Get it?

He loves adventures, that explains the unusual action in his basement. He tells me that he always has an universal key from the post office with him, so he can break into almost any house. In August he wants to jump out of a plane, too.

Really an extraordinary guy. 

I’m very enchanted by him as we walk up Theobaltgasse in the direction of U3. Thoughts, little future dreams of him and me like buzzing fireflies light up inside me and then fade away again.

Not ten steps further we break in an old house, sneak down to the basement – and throw our clothes in the dust.

Episode 6

FLORIAN

It’s a hot summer night when I go to his place at Ferdinandgasse. I only wear a tank top, cargo shorts and flip flops. The air is heavy as steel and the crickets are chirping. I know Florian for almost 10 years, he’s one of my long term fuck buddies. At that time there was no Grindr and only the desktop version of ROMEO. It was almost a scandal to have a profile there and you were automatically labeled as a slut.

On the terrace, he points to a crane above the roofs and tells me about the construction workers who climbed up to his weed plantation at night, picked all the plants and ran away. We share the last bits he kept in a drawer on the coffee table. Since I only smoke something every now and then, the stuff goes in fully. The blood immediately shoots from my head into my dick, where it is needed at the moment.

We have a very long, tender foreplay, with lots of cuddling and snuggling. In the end I land on his beautiful hole with my tongue and stretch it out with my thumb. He’s lying on his back, hips turned to one side. One leg is raised at a right angle and his strong foot touches the backrest of the sofa in a very shapely manner. I spit on his hole and stick my dick in, pretty dry. Just so that it slides a little bit.

I fuck him all over, playing with his bum cheeks and strong thighs. Can you imagine the picture? The perfect curve of his bubble butt, into which my big dick slides in and out like in soft butter. He comes even before I pump him full of my juice. I kiss him goodnight and walk back home with a clear head. Now the smacking of my flip flops doesn’t have to remind me of sex.

I´m not aware of this, but I crossed the border to Purple Vapor for the first time.

Episode 5

1972

I was born in the year 1972 in Leopoldstadt, that´s the second district of Vienna. My parents came from the countryside, out of very simple circumstances. My father met my mother when he was on vaccation in the village she was born, close to Zell am See. They immediately had a crush on each other.

Together they went to Vienna and got married in 1966. When my mother was pregnant with my older brother, all three moved to a Gemeindebau. That was a community idea the socialists developed with an idealistic view of communists like Karl Marx. I’m still there, just on a different floor. My widowed father lives alone now on the ground floor where I grew up.

I was a happy child in red Vienna of the seventies. It was the golden era of Bruno Kreisky, a very wise politician whom not only we socialists adore. During this period, the color scheme in politics was quite simple: just red and black, the two major parties. The Greens were delightful environmentalists and the color blue was just soothing on my mother’s blouse.

Episode 4

BEN

After gym I hurry to see him in Theobaltgasse. He gives me 20 minutes until his brother comes. I ring, he lets me in and I go down to the basement. Below all blue metal. He comes and looks really dazzling. 1.90 m, slim and a beautiful bearded face. We go all the way to the back in case someone comes. “Isn’t that too creepy for you?” – “No, I like adventures.”

We kiss and he immediately has his hand on my pants. He gets on his knees and sucks my cock with his beautiful lips. I’m very hard because he totally turns me on and we do such naughty things in his basement. Less than three minutes later I squirt a whole load in his mouth. He swallows greedily and just keeps sucking while I stroke his hair with my hands.

Then he gets up, his dick is rock hard and I jerk him off with full pressure. He shoots a massive load on my stomach, then we kiss again. Before we get dressed, he hands me a piece of folded paper towels he brought from upstairs. “How thoughtful,” I say. When we go back upstairs he tells me that he will play Playstation together with his brother. 

Totally stoned, I walk up to Mariahilfer Strasse. He writes to me on ROMEO: “You’re just as hot as you are embarrassing.“ I accidentally sent him a message intended for Timo earlier from “Jack” when we were chatting.

Episode 3

MY MOTHER

It’s the first time in ages that I can enjoy silence. For a few moments out of this madness. I relax in the steam room and let my thoughts drift, surrounded by a futuristic mosaic in style of Gustav Klimt. I’m naked like always lately but I don’t need to be just a functioning body, I can also be a human with a soul. At least when I’m for myself and not in the crowd.

Earlier I saw an elderly woman walking down the street and just for a millisecond I thought she was my mother. This feeling of great joy that came over me, you know that? The joy of reunion. A flash of pure love. Like a yellow light entering you as a blazing flame.

But there is no yellow in this world. 

Cool colors only, suppressed feelings. My mother died last year all of a sudden. She’s gone forever, simply wiped out. Like a cloud of vapor dissipating into thin air. Her eyes were blue-grey, bright and opaque at the same time. Her favorite dress was patterned in different shades of blue, silky shiny. So glamorous that only an empress would dare to wear it. She was a beautiful ice queen. I think she would fit into this world very well, maybe better than into the real one.

One day I will tell you more about the color logic in my world.

Episode 2

CITY OF DREAMS

On the distant horizon 
appears, like a misty dream,
the town with its turrets,
shrouded in purple steam.

A gentle breeze ripples 
the turquoise waterway,
with mounful strokes
my heart pounds everyday.

Neon pink, the sun rises 
from the earth once more,
and shows me that spot
where I lost my love before.

Episode 1

A NEW DIMENSION

Every story has a beginning.